from the cheap seats

Thoughts On 1000 Beers

2011-07-23T11:55:00.005+01:00

There hasn't been much happening on this blog for a while. Part of the reason for that has been because I've been working on a book. You can find more information at www.1000beers.co.uk or you can purchase copies from Amazon or Lulu.

Pass The Corkscrew...

2009-09-06T09:02:00.004+01:00

There's a first time for everything. I've had a number of beers with champagne corks that required a firm tug but last night was the first time I've had to use a corkscrew to get into a bottle of beer. The beverage in question was the French Biere de Garde 3 Monts by St Sylvestre and thankfully my hosts for the evening did have a corkscrew to hand.

The beer comes in 75cl bottles, is blond in colour with a frothy head. It's rather potent at 8.5% and single bottle happily saw me through an evening. This is definitely a sipping beer with a restrained hoppy and alcoholic edge and a bready mouthfeel. It gave the feeling of looking out over the French countryside on a warm day - no bad thing.

On Friday night I had a couple of Chimay trappist beers and was again slightly underwhelmed by them. The Chimay Blue is certainly a good beer and the Chimay Red is decent but there is a generally view that when monks brewing beer some kind of divine intervention occurs to make their beers better than commercial rivals. However I'd take Moortgat's Maredsous beers over the Chimay's pretty much everytime.

DVD: The Dark Knight

2009-01-07T19:03:00.001Z

Imagine sitting down in a stylish restaurant with an erudite friend to a nice meal. Before the menus have arrived they try to make some grand point about the world. Then before you've ordered something you said leads them to make the same point in a different way. Then as the starters arrive it sparks something that leads to another mini-lecture on the same subject. That is basically how The Dark Knight feels.

There is no knocking the credentials of this film which is well cast, looks great and has some memerable characters. However all of the set pieces return to the same question of "when is it justifiable to take a life or take liberties". Initially this looks like an interesting idea but after the third time it deadens the effect. An argument is always best made succinctly and eloquently. The more you go on about something the more people drift off.

Think of the final scene in Seven with Brad Pitt, Kevin Spacey and the box. The reason it works so well is that the film spent 2 hours getting you to the right place and then asking the question. The Dark Knight lacks this restraint and discipline.

The other problem the film has is that it's characters are now so well established that even someone who hasn't read a comic book knows exactly what is going to happen with the Joker and Harvey "two face" Dent. This rather wrecks any dramatic tension.

The performances of the cast can't be knocked, with Heath Ledger's dry mouthed turn as the Joker likely to become iconic, and deservedly so. However despite some well executed action scenes I had ceased caring quite a while before the end.

DVD: Iron Man

2009-01-07T18:54:00.001Z

Iron Man is exceptionally silly film. In many ways this shouldn't be an issue as there have been action films that have done things as scarcely believable as knocking up a robot suit that allows you to fly around the world and pretty much into space. Oh, and you can knock up a working prototype in a cave from spare parts.

The problem with all this silliness comes when the film wants to be taken serious and makes profound statements about the nature of war and the weapons industry. I'm happy to be entertained, informed or a combination of both. But preaching from a film that appears to have only seen the real word in a magazine article is just annoying.

Robert Downey Jr does a good job, mainly because his life story fits so well with his character that you project depth onto the role despite the script failing to supply any. Gwyneth Paltrow is less fornuate and basically is required to stand around and occasionally squeak. It's tempting to mock her for this, but it's more depressing to note that a bankable oscar winning actress feels that she needs to take parts that are thinner than her waist to maintain a successful career.

If this is the golden age of superhero films can I go back to the dark ages when these kind of films were actually fun.

Film - Australia

2009-01-07T18:47:00.001Z

Australia comfortably fits into the tradition of epic films such as Titanic, Pearl Harbour and Gone With The Wind. However whereas these three films concentrated on a single subject - the sinking of the Titanic, the Japanese attack and the American Civil War - Australia attempts seems intent on covering as much Australia history as physically possible.

The film starts with the English Lady Sarah Ashley (Nicole Kidman) taking over a cattle farm in the Australian outback and attempting to run it with assistance from the coarse Drover (Hugh Jackman). This section veers between Once Upon A Time In The West and City Slickers in an uneasy mix of grandeur and slapstick that feels like Norman Wisdom doing La Boheme. This plot strand is dispensed with halfway through to focus on World War 2 and the Japanese attack on Sydney which acts a great excuse for CGI. Strung all the way through the film is a subplot about the 'stolen generation' of mixed race white and aboriginal children who were taken from their families. Finally there are bucket loads of picture postcard shots of the outback to make the Australian tourist board happy after they pitched up a sizeable chunk of the budget.

With all this subject matter to cover the film regularly relies on stereotypes and intensely broad directorial touches. Within the first 10 minutes it is clear that any 'spot the cliche' drinking games undertaken whilst watching the film would result in a fatality for anyone with a constitution lesser than Oliver Reed's.

The actors all try their best with the weird mix of farce and sentimentality they are handed. The film also looks pretty dramatic at times, albeit in a way that leaves you expecting Judith Charmers to enter stage left at any moment, but you are left feeling that the writers and director needed to say "no" to some of the proposed ideas. Maybe Jim Carrey was acting as a consultant on the film while preparing to make Yes Man. The end result is a 6 hour mini series that has been hacked down to half it's length by stripping out all the subtlety and depth whilst lacking the good grace of including a pee break.

The film's energy and eagerness to please mean that it is not a great disaster. Had it been edited down to having a single plot it might have even made for a perfectly agreeable 'lesser film'. As it is you are surprised they didn't try to cover the shipping of convicts out to Australia before the credits and bung in a tribute to Shane Warne at the end.

Baz Luhramnn has always undertaken ambitious projects in his time in cinema so it's inevitable that he would overreach at some point. In the end Australia is the sound of 100 recently spinning plates crashing to the ground. However approached with reduced expectations and a recently evacuated bladder there is still some pleasure to be had from the wreckage.

Film: Quantum Of Solace

2009-01-07T18:46:00.001Z

It's quite a feat for the alarm bells to start ringing about a film before you've got past the BBFC certificate, but staring at a title as lousy as Quantum Of Solace in plain text on a big screen makes you think that it that's the best they could do with Bond then maybe they should hand the reins over to someone else. The ringing gets louder when you realise that this is the first Bond film that acts as a direct sequel to the previous film. Clearly since the Daniel Craig bond has borrowed so much from Jason Bourne it may as well borrow the idea of a continuing narrative. However this requires a memorable plot and the memorable bits of Casino Royale (poker scene, collapsing venetian towers, running along cranes, muscles and swimming trunks) had as much to do with the plot as the popcorn you bought in the foyer.

Hence we have a pissed off Bond busting heads and being told to get some perspective for little discernible reason. Now most of the Bond franchise has got by without a particularly coherent narrative thanks to charm and good set pieces. Quantum Of Solace however wants to be a serious picture so charm has been jettisoned and the set pieces are a bunch of fast cut punching that gets you intimately associated with Mr Craig's chin.

The serious down to business ethos of the new bond means an inherently simple plot is told so obliquely you feel the script was written in an ancient code and traded memorable lines for high brow references to oil prices and the environment. Yet even the film makers lose faith in this dark, satirical, political feel by including a character called Strawberry Fields who wears nothing more than a raincoat and whose sole purpose appears to be to allow a punch-in-the-face subtle reference to Goldfinger.

There is at least lashings of style in the set dressing and use of locations which gives a feeling of quality and a production budget well spent. However the short running time (for a Bond film anyway) feels less like a relief and more like a consequence of cutting out narrative, character and a few more long shots in the set pieces. Even the credit sequence is lackluster.

With a strong lead in Daniel Craig and a fairly indestructible formula it would would be harsh to describe Quantum Of Solace as failure. However something that feels like a po-faced Bourne facsimile is a waste of a Bond film. For all the talk of a new dawn for Bond this is the fourth consecutive Bond film written by Neal Purvis and Robert Wade - writers who also came up with Johnny English - and here it feels like they are trying to turn out something that feels unnatural to them to fit with a perceived fashion. More worryingly the next Bond film looks set to continue the story and make the same mistakes all over again.

DVD - Black Sheep

2008-07-29T22:34:00.001+01:00

With Peter Jackson's empire now seeming to employ most of New Zealand either directly or through the WETA workshops special effects labs, it was only a matter of time before someone made a decent fist of making a worthy successor to bad taste.

Black Sheep is not only a B movie, but conciously cheap and silly on. Any film that decides to have it's pivotal scary scenes composed mainly of stock footage of sheep running around hill-sides is either very clever or very silly. In this case probably both.

The plot is fairly simple, sheep-phobic city boy returns to farm to find his brother is genetically engineering sheep, bumps into a improbably attractive female animal rights activists and a need for mint sauce increases rapidly.

The film flies through it's 80 minutes aiming for humour and gore rather than tension and surprise - and generally hitting the target. It's not a great film by any stretch, but if ewe like cheap comedy horror you won't find this baa-d at all.

(sorry about the puns)

Gig: Duke Special

2008-06-17T22:53:00.001+01:00

There is a lot of presentation going on in this solo show by Irish balladeer Duke Special at Birmingham's Glee Club. As the lights going down a jumpy and scratchy piece of 1930's film plays (coming from a state of the art video projector). Mr Special (lets face it calling him Duke sounds just as pompus) walks out in a battered bohemian style suit nervously eyeing the audience through a ton of mascara. He winds up an old record player and drops the needle on a crackly backing track (played from a dat?) and wanders over to his battered piano (actually a keyboard in a wooden frame).

All of this should lead to derision, except that when he starts singing songs of love and loss you forget the pretence and start to believe. His voice grabs your heart and squeezes it with lyrics that splash a little poetry and a mass of drama together. Tracks like Freewheel and Salvation Tambourine from his breakthrough album Songs From The Deep Forest shine brightest however his new material appears strong as well. Mid-set he hands out lyric sheets and gets the audience to sing along to some old music hall songs and it's clear everyone is in the palm of his hand.

Because in the end it's not what's real, it's about what you believe - and Duke Special can make believers out of most.

Book: Predators Gold by Philip Reeve

2008-06-16T22:48:00.001+01:00

Set in decades into a post apocolyptic world where the surviving cities have been turned into mini Death Stars that stalk the scorched surface of the earth, Predators Gold is the second in Philip Reeve's Mortal Engines series. A ripping action yarn it follows young outcasts Hester Shaw and Tom Natsworthy as they flee from London and end up heading into the icy wastes of America.

Reeve's talent for a page turning narrative is spiced up by beautifully observations of how our contempary life is remember in folklore many years from now with our history having been destroyed in a nuclear flash. Aimed at kids but enjoyable for all.

Book: Saturday by Ian McEwan

2008-06-11T23:06:00.001+01:00

Any book that deals with mortality, poetry, the blues, parenthood and the war on terror should know that if it's doing it's job properly it doesn't need to jump around for the readers attention. For the most part this tale of day in the life aging neurologist Henry Perowne does this, treating the big subjects with a subtle touch and a narrative of ambling pace that allows you to smell the flowers and inhabit Perowne's body.

The march against the Iraq war is seen from the perspective of someone trying to drive across London to play squash and the musing on family life are pulled into the context of an impending evening get together. However it seems like McEwan paniced at some point as he feels the need to through in a needless set-piece of gangland violence to spice things up. It jolts the reader out of medidation and back into the world of convention narrative, unfortunately ruining an otherwise strong novel.

Film: Sex And The City

2008-06-10T19:10:00.002+01:00

Being a man who can only use the words Manolo Blahnik in this sentence after looking up the spelling on the internet and whose general view of romantic comedies is that it's amazing how they have managed to invent a form of comedy with no laughs it's fair to say that I'm not the target market for this film. In fact I'm merely a part of what the marketing folks would think of as the secondary market of blokes who will be dragged unwillingly into the cinema hoping the film will be over soon. A case of close your eyes and think of Jean Claude Van Damme.

The film picks up 3 years after the TV series ended with the girls (surely women by now?) having spent the whole time in stable relationships. You would have thought after having six series of man-trouble cropping up on a weekly basis they would regard this period of calm as a freakishly unnatural phenomenon like bees disappearing or the New York streets being free of dirt and rubbish. However like Michael Myers appearing at Halloween, you know it won't be long before disaster strikes and they will have nothing to protect themselves except sassy girl chat, kooky outfits and designer names.

When it started Sex And The City was viewed as shocking TV that broke taboos like they were a credit limits in a Gucci store, however time and the transition to the big screen means that there is unlikely to be a raised eyebrow let alone a shocked gasp. Thankfully the show really sustained itself more through through it's script and wit rather than it's potty mouth and there is still enough zing to the chat to sustain itself.

The characters may be drawn broadly, so much so that magazine editors to can whip up a "which SATC girl are you" feature in their sleep, but they remain engaging. Sex And The City has always been about the life behind a newspaper column, so the whole thing is a fantasy world anyway and to expect Mike Leigh style rigor in the characterization is like expecting Steven Seagal to fight like a normal human (or even deliver dialogue like a normal human for that matter).

The film's main surprise is it's confident visual style. Every shot is soaked in style and glamour but they are also well crafted and it's nice to have a film where the money shots don't require CGI - just a bunch of designer names. This does mean that the film has more product placement that the average ad break. In fact it's amazing the film doesn't just get itself sponsored by Vogue and be done with it. The montages are clearly fashion porn rather than plot development, but they are as integral to the film as big ass fighter planes are to Top Gun.

The success of Sex And The City may be due to the fact that other romantic comedies have set the bar so low it's difficult to know whether we are playing high jump or limbo dancing. In this climate the film should be welcomed with open arms, even it stretches itself less than Jabba The Hutt's wetsuit being worn by Kate Moss. Some judicious editing might have improved the film, but the 2.5 hour length doesn't feel like a drag, and the sensible focus on Carrie, to the exclusion of the other girls, means that it feels like one film rather than four.

Finally, for worried males out there, just remember it's not the end of the world and the works of Jean Claude and Mr Seagal are still available from all good DVD retailers.

DVD: Sweeney Todd

2008-06-09T18:54:00.001+01:00

If you closed your eyes for 90 minutes and tried to visualise what a Tim Burton film incarnation of the tale of the demon barber of Fleet Street would be like, you probably wouldn't need to spend your hard earned cash going to see it. You put Johnny Depp with a Pepe Le Pew style haircut in the lead and Helena Bonham Carter with her "had it this way so long it's no longer scary"backwards through a hedge hair alongside him. The city of London would be a victorian Gotham City and the blood would fly akin to Sleepy Hollow.

All of this makes Sweeney Tood sound like the work of a tired director who has run out of ideas. But Burton's visual style is so strong the familiar nature of the film feels like having you favourite dish at a local restaurant - you know what you want and you know it won't be bad.

The tale is fairly simple, agreived barber returns to London after being robbed of his wife and afflicted with Bowie from the 70's accent. Menacing stares, slashed throats and tasty "meat" pies ensue. Sondheim's music contributes strong but verbose songs, and here Burton seems to struggle with the lack of the kind of catchy choruses that he dished up in Nightmare Before Christmas and Corpse Bride. As such a strong start starts to run out of pace towards the end, with a tragic denoument that appears postively rushed.

The Moulin Rouge style fast forward zooms across the London skyline are one of a number of cases where the CGI is too obvious and flashy. However despite these faults Sweeney Tood is unlikely to dissapoint. The chef may have served up better before, but you will still be returning to order more of the same.

DVD: Crank

2007-02-15T21:57:00.000Z

Crank is quite literally 78 minutes of non-stop adrenaline pumping action, with a few minutes of credits tagged on the end. Jason Statham wakes to find he has been injected with a "Beijing Cocktail" that will kill him within the hour. The only way to postpone death is to keep adrenaline flowing through his veins. He decides that two things need to happen before he dies. He must say goodbye to his girl and kill the man who injected him.

Most action films have a pretense of depth about them with directors trying to show they are the new Tarrantino or choreograph their action scenes as if they are balletic high art. Thankfully in this regard Crank is like a child overdosing on Red Bull who has just come off a big rollercoaster, it follows one set piece with another with hardly a pause for breath. Mexican stand-offs are eschewed as they are simply too darn slow. The film veers so much into the absurd that you start to forget what normality looks like and pulls a range of stunts that seem to have come straight out of the Jackass handbook.

Statham seems to have been tailor made with films like this in mind. His wired, pissed off expression doesn't crack for the entire film and there is occasionally time for a nice few one liners. The film is a cheap, trashy, vacuous B movie that solely wants to hold your attention for every minute of it's brief running time. If only there were more films like it.

Film: Hot Fuzz

2007-02-12T23:06:00.000Z

Parodies generally make for hit and miss fun that passes ephemerally by. Whilst Airplane and Naked Gun managed to maintain an audience over the years it is unlikely that recent fodder like Scary Movie will be appearing anywhere other than late night repeats on lesser digital TV channels in future years. Therefore the quality and success of Shaun Of The Dead stood out like a talented individual in a Pop Idol final. To call it a cult parody would be to undermine both it mainstream success and the emotional heart and tight plotting at it's centre.

Hot Fuzz, the new film from Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg, attempts to repeat the formula. This time the shallow but amusing premise is that a highly successful London based policeman is shunted out to a quiet country beat to stop him showing up the rest of the Metropolitan Police force. How will has hard-line urban approaching work in little England. Cue Bad Boys in a village near Bath.

Much of the cast of Shaun Of The Dead re-appear, including Nick Frost playing a markedly similar role to his previous character Ed. However the big difference is that Simon Pegg has abandoned his slacker persona to portray Britain's most effective cop. Choosing such an exceptional high flyer as the lead character makes it harder to empathize with the central story than in Shaun. Pegg's restrained acting suits the part, but it's like watching a talented footballer just playing short passes rather than attempting jaw-dropping through balls. It's only when the action cranks up in the final third that he employs his full comic range and the film lifts noticeably at this point.

Edgar Wright uses the fast cutting, amped up visual style that has served him so well and deploys it good effect, effectively taking classic Michael Bay and John Woo shots and giving them an absurd spin by way of the surroundings. His major achievement is managing to create scenes that are both adrenaline pumping and laugh out loud funny.

The cast is so ridiculously packed with stars it almost becomes a parody of it's parodic self as each minor character is taken by a starry cameo by the likes of Bill Nighy, Steve Coogan and Martin Freeman. However in the main supporting roles Timothy Dalton and Jim Broadbent are superb, with Dalton mugging more than a royal dalton factory and Broadbent underplaying to sublime effect.

The laughs in Hot Fuzz are frequent and hearty. The main comment it will attract is "it's not quite as good as Shaun Of The Dead", but since few films are half as good as that, we will gratefully receive one that is 90% as good.

Film: Perfume - The Story Of A Murderer

2007-02-12T23:04:00.000Z

As soon as a novel is described as "unfilmable" and starts to amass a list of big name directors who have toyed with the project and moved on, any adaptation seems doomed to partial or total failure. Even ideal matches such as Terry Gilliam directing Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas failed to do much commercial business. So Perfume, the book of aromas that Martin Scorsese and Stanley Kubrick apparently walked away from, would seem to be damned from the off - whether by reason or just self-fufilling prophecy.

The story revolves around an orphan called Jean-Baptiste Grenouille who is born with the finest sense of smell in the world. This we know because is seems that half the film is taken up by shots of his nose twitching followed by a camera charging like a demented rugby player towards the source of the aroma. Jean is not the best adjusted of men, and his quest to distill the perfect sent starts to take a very dark and ugly turn, as the films full title "Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer" rather gives away. What next, "Titanic: A Ship That Sinks" or "Pearl Harbour: A Historical And Filmic Disaster".

The film is directed by Tom Tykwer who had a huge cult hit with his debut Run Lola Run. He also has past form with bringing troubled projects about murderers to the screen having done an excellent job with Heaven in 2002, the film that Krzysztof Kieslowski was working on when he died. Since then he has taken a long break from film-makingand the un-even tone of Perfume may reflect an uncertainty that has crept in during the years of stasis.

The source novel is very dark and serious in tone, however the film elicits a number of laughs through it's length, some clearly un-intentional and some maybe less so. The most farcical section features Dustin Hoffman as a washed up perfumier whose career is re-ignited by the talents of Jean-Baptiste. Allowing for the horrific accent that careers between Italy and America faster than Concorde ever managed, Hoffman turns in a magnetic mannered comic performance that is in completely the wrong film.

Perfume is visually stunning, as befits the most expensive German film ever made. However the story it tells is art-house rather than mainstream and the over-bearing hand of producers trying to lighten the tone lingers like the smell of burnt toast in a kitchen. So yet another "unfilmable novel" seems to justify it's billing, but there is enough here to make for an intriguing, if ultimately unsatisfying watch.

DVD: The Proposition

2007-02-12T23:03:00.000Z

Nick Cave's first outing as a screenwriter feels like one of his more damned and blasted songs. To save his younger brother from the noose Charlie Burns must murderer his outlaw older brother.

However despite the film lingering heavily on Guy Pearce as he wrestles with Charlie's dilemma, the core of the film is actually the English police captain played by Ray Winstone and his wife Emily Mortimer. As he struggles to bring civilisation to the alien land of Australia he sees around him he finds his strength and morals stretched to breaking point.

Despite capturing some marvelous scenery and featuring some brutal violence, The Proposition is a verbal film, to the extent that you could believe it originated as a play. However the dialogue is not sharp enough and the film not focussed enough to truly dig it's claws in. As a single coloured mood piece that draws heavily on Sam Peckinpah's Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia it will appeal to those who like their films black, blasted and with damnation inevitable, but there is not enough here to rise above it's origins.

Book: Seeing by Jose Saramago

2007-02-12T22:56:00.000Z

On a wet day in Portugal officials wait as an election takes place. When the votes are counted 80% of them are found to be blank. The confused government decides to re-run the election a week later imploring voters to cast a meaningful vote, but the result is the same and the government steadily enforces a martial law on where is starts to fear is a terrorist plot.

Seeing picks up four years after Blindness, an earlier work by Saramago based around the idea of a plague of white blindness. Both books have a gripping central theme that allows many analogies with the political state of the modern world, but both struggle to draw the reader in. Seeing is especially problematic in it's absence of paragraphs and quotation marks, requiring a high level of concentration and focus from the reader that distances them from the narrative.

Whilst Saramago clearly has a knack for great ideas, he may need to refresh his mind on some of the more basic ideas of the novel.

DVD: Aeon Flux

2006-09-02T10:47:00.000+01:00

There is a theory that some films are so bad that they are good. Films with farcical plots, terrible acting and shaky sets that remind you of the cheap antics of directors like Ed Wood. Aeon Flux is not a film that supports this argument. It is crushingly mediocre in all departments, with blank acting performances, cliched storylines and dull production design.

The basic set-up is that four hundred years into the future a virus has wiped out all bar a final outpost of human civilisation, that lives separated from the rampant nature that has over-run the rest of the planet. Here they live in a perfect world, that resembles a fashionable shampoo advert. However something dark is happening beneath the surface and Aeon Flux sets out to find out what.

As it limps from one tired set-piece to another you wonder whether the film was every properly scripted or whether they just filmed the thing following an early brainstorming session. Aeon Flux, so bad it's bad.

DVD: Capote

2006-09-01T19:10:00.000+01:00

A quiet and focussed view of the climax of Truman Capote's career, this is a film that bucks the trend of recent biopics by eschewing the traditional three act structure and rewarding those who know about the subject.

DVD: Grizzly Man

2006-08-02T22:32:00.000+01:00

Grizzly Man is billed as the tragic tale of a man competing with nature as he spent 13 summers camping close to wild bears before being killed by one. The film itself is more a battle between two men, failed actor Timothy Treadwell who re-invented himself as a protector of bears and Steve Austin style wild-man and notorious director Werner Herzog who fashions this documentary about Treadwell into his personal quest to understand the man.

The footage Treadwell shot in the wild is certainly impressive stuff, and as with anyone left alone for long periods of time with just a video camera for company he soon starts opening up and giving a glimpse into why he left a life waiting tables and narrowly missing out on the Woody Harrelson part in Cheers to spend time in an awe-inpsiring Alaskan national park. In fact, phrased like that why is he being painted as the crazy one? Oh yes, that will be because of the big old bears that eat people.

More disconcerting in terms of the film is Herzog's very personal voiceover as he strains to empathize with someone who has a totally different view of life. Where Treadwell sees peace and beauty, Herzog sees chaos and barely sustained rage. This tension gives the film a real edge and avoids any cute simplifications, but too often you feel the two men are competing for your attention. in one bizarre scene Herzog films himself listening to tape of Treadwell dying before boldly instructing a friend never to listen to it and then to destroy it. This serves only to place Herzog centre stage and to pull him into the narrative of events.

As well as Herzog's physical presence, the direction is strangely artificial, with the brief pauses and wandering pans during a number of the interviews giving the piece a Brechtian avant-garde nature. All this sums up to a documentary which is constantly challenging and intriguing, but often frustrating. One to watch in a group and discuss.

Film: Pirates Of The Caribbean Dead Man's Chest

2006-07-12T23:13:00.000+01:00

I blame Star Wars, I really do. Every since the George Lucas cash cow redefined Hollywood's view of how you make money in this game the idea of a movie trilogy has acquired some sort of divine status. Any film that rakes in a decent haul at the box office doesn't provoke thoughts of a single sequel, but two sequels. These are not cheap cash ins. No, these are the artist being able to complete their vision with adequate breathing space.

This of course is all cobblers. And on the heels of The Lord Of The Rings, The Matrix, X-Men, Underworld and others not even worthy of breath comes the second film in the Pirates Of The Caribbean trilogy. Filmed back to back with part three this allows Gore Verbinski, the auteur behind films such as Mousehunt, to complete his grand vision for this tale that was based on a Disney theme park ride. All that said the first film looked like a train wreck from a distance and proved to be a highly enjoyable piece of matinee fun, so maybe lightning will strike twice.

The film opens with the wedding of Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightly) being knocked somewhat off schedule by them both being arrested under threat of the death penalty for allowing Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to escape the clutches of those flat footed British soldiers. It's a reversal of fortune that recalls such glorious sequels as Ghostbusters 2. Before Will and Liz are swinging from a gallows, Will is offered a way to save them both that involves him heading out to sea and finding Jack and before you know it swash is being buckled and main-braces are being spliced.

The film doesn't so much have a plot as a tenuous chronology that links various CGI heavy set-pieces, many of which repeat themselves in various guises throughout the film. Whilst these are executed in a perfectly competent fashion they are far from memorable and none of them stand out as a good action sequence should, like the government lobby in the Matrix. The sword play is executed without any style, often being closer to a pub brawl fought by ballerinas scared of a scratch rather than either the mesmeric samurai work of Crouching Tiger or the brutal rage you would expect of scurvy sea dogs.

The cast all reprise their roles from the first film, generally with diminishing returns. Depp is still amusing but the added screen time of his character, now pushed firmly centre stage leaves him mugging all too often to cover a barren script, whilst the attempts to make him a good guy are clear evidence that the Disney corporation wants everyone to be a role model, even a pirate with no morals. The exceptions to the "not as funny as last time" rule are Mackenzie Crook's one eyed pirate who has found good and studies his bible carefully, despite being illiterate and Orlando Bloom who couldn't have been much worse last time round.

The enemy this time round is Davy Jones, played by an unrecognizable Bill Nighy under a mass of CGi tentacles. He and his crew look like fish theme Orcs that were rejected from the initial design stages of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy and whose principle purpose is to sell action figures. They are neither scary nor amusing, just clearly a computer construct. One is left wistfully remember Geoffrey Rush ghost pirate crew of the original who thankfully were human enough most of the time to actually deliver performances.

The film also suffers from character creep with too many of the original films characters returning for cameos as well as new people arriving. Any sane editor would have hacked the film down to 90 minutes rather than the needless 150 it runs. The film is flat enough that you could randomly remove half it's length and improve it by making sure that it doesn't outstay the welcome of it's charms.

Whilst the film briefly gathers real momentum for a spell two thirds of the way through the ending, stolen straight from Empire Strikes Back, is unsatisfactory, confirming the clear feeling that the film was always going nowhere fast. If you are prepared to be patient the film's good humored banter should suffice for pantomime style fun, but less would have been so much more.

Book: Columbia Road by Matt Whyman

2006-07-06T21:44:00.000+01:00

A book written by an internet agony uncle should probably contain two main ingredients, high technology and relationship issues. Columbia Road has both. The basic set up is that a mismatched group of tenants are unable to cover their recently inflated rent. Instead of turfing them out on the street their landlord offers them a deal. Have webcams installed to make the house a 24 hour show home for his other properties and they can stay rent free. But soon they find they have given up more than they think.

Whyman is a very immediate writer, working with short chapters and keen to throw in a cute turn of phrase to keep his readers attention. His background in writing short, light hearted insightful articles makes Columbia Road an enjoyable page turner, but the broad characters leave little room for any deep empathy.

DVD: Walk The Line

2006-07-06T19:57:00.000+01:00

Enough already with the childhood trauma. It is becoming a painfully banal Hollywood truism that any issues that arise later in a person life can be explained by something bad that happened to them as a child. It's like an understanding of psychology based on reading a single paragraph of a Sigmund Freud book. And like the boy who cried wolf, when there is a film that might justify use of an explanation like that, you are so tired of hearing it you don't believe.

As such we have Walk The Line, the biopic of Johnny Cash. If you have seen Ray you know the plot. Brother dies as a child, no decent Father figure, marries childhood sweetheart, becomes famous musician, starts taking drugs, cheats on wife, finds new love, quits drugs and everything ends happily ever after. Thus seems to be the life of any musician according to Hollywood.

What is damning is not that we have seen this type of thing before, but that the film tells you no more about Johnny Cash and his music than Ray did, despite the latter film being about a completely different person. All we learn about his music is that he wrote Folsom Prison Blues after watching a film and he invented his musical style on the spot when Sam Philips told him his gospel was as dull as Dido slowly painting a wall Magnolia. The film is almost entirely disinterested in his music. It's as if being a great musician is of now interest to an audience, but being a bastard and a junkie is.

Despite the cliched plot and absence of insight the lead performances have be justifiable acclaimed. Both River Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon bring their characters to life and give them more depth and empathy than the script deserves. It is the acting equivalent for feeding 5000 with a fish and a slice of bread. And while the ever-so happy ending rings false, with Cash acting the bad man but being portrayed an angel, the acting and the music carry the film through. Just don't expect to learn about the man inside.

DVD: Once Upon A Time In The Midlands

2006-06-27T22:37:00.000+01:00

Once Upon A Time In The Midlands bills itself as a tinned spaghetti western. It could also bill itself as awarding British director Shane Meadows attempt to make a jolly mainstream film. Yet despite the number of billings you could give it the film doesn't know what it is trying to be.

It starts out heavy on the Western parody with Ricky Tomlinson being a country music obsessed father and Robert Carlyle being the stranger with trouble not far behind him blowing into town. However the pace and energy of the knockabout opening soon dissipates into a turgid kitchen sink drama with the characters too stereotypical to draw the audiences sympathy.

The profusion of faces from British TV only aid the feeling of the script creating archetypes rather than full drawn characters whilst the jokes are too sparse to make this an effective comedy. Whilst a film that deals with common British life is something that should be welcomed, Once Upon A Time In The Midlands is a misfire in director Shane Meadows cannon. Thankfully he has since found his footing with Dead Man's Shoes.

DVD: Stealth

2006-05-29T09:47:00.000+01:00

Stealth is a high technology Top Gun film that's stupid with a capital S T O O. In fact it would probably make a satisfying double header with Team America World Police. The basic plot is that group of crack US Navy pilots are trained to fly advanced experimental planes. Then are then told that there is a fourth plane that is flown by an advanced computer brain. they call it Eddie but you may as well call it HAL.

Before you know HAL, sorry, Eddie, has used it's artificial intelligence to learn from the American pilots. What it has learnt it is to disobey orders and blow things up regardless of the collateral damage. Before long 1000 Asian farmers and the entirety of Pakistan is covered in nuclear fall-out, but the generals still think they can keep things under wraps. The energy of the films fist pumping patriotism drains after the 90 minute mark with a pointless coda involving the destruction of North / South Korea border to try and save the heroes girlfriend leaving empty explosions punctuating the absurd situations and by the end you are longing for the wit and excitement of Maverick, Goose and Ice Man.

Music: The Best Of 1996-2002 by Hefner

2006-05-15T22:24:00.000+01:00

When they proclaimed themselves "Britain's Biggest Small Band" Hefner effectively wrote their own epitaph. One of many bands championed to a cult following by John Peel they never troubled the mainstream with songs that feel like a spikier Belle And Sebastian.

Their high point was second album The Fidelity Years, which is well represented on this retrospective. The Hymn For The Cigarettes is a stomping indie anthem that tells a tale failing love through fag manufacturers and contains the gorgeous chorus refrain "how can she love me when she doesn't even love the cinema I love". Slower tracks The Hymn For The Alcohol and Don't Flake Out On Me showcase the raw emotion of singer Darren Hayman's voice, a wonky taste that once acquired allows you to glory in the crystal clear diction.

Later albums continued to turn out moving odes to life outside the norm such as The Greedy Ugly People whilst The Day That Thatcher Dies still shocks with it's brazen celebration that 'the witch is dead'. The late electronic experimentations capture a band becoming bored and straining for something and losing their special touch. Despite it's 20 track length there are few tracks here that are anything but a joy to those who like their music wonky, witty and independently minded.

DVD: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

2006-05-15T20:20:00.000+01:00

There are few films that are too clever for their own good but many that are ruined by being nowhere near as clever as they think they are. The tongue in cheek narration that guides us through Kiss Kiss Bang Bang often veers towards smug and self congratulatory ground but the sharpness of the script and the frequency of one liners means that you will end up amused rather than annoyed.

Lethal Weapon writer Shane Black has taken what appears to be a pulpy noir detective novel and covered the cliche ridden set-up and far fetched plot with a fast past knock-about script that sees small time crook Robert Downey Jr end up partnered with Val Kilmer's butch gay private eye. Nothing really makes much sense during the film and like the best of Raymond Chandler's work by the end you don't even care whodunnit, but laugh you will.

DVD: Ghost In The Shell

2006-05-07T22:12:00.000+01:00

Ghost In The Shell is a mid 1990's Japanese Manga animation that was considered groundbreaking at the time due to it's use of computer generated images. A decade it still stands a benchmark of animated cinema, now forming the link between Blade Runner and The Matrix.

The film centres on two government cyborgs who are attempting to track down a hacker called The Puppet Master who gets into people's minds and uses them as unknowing assassins. Alongside heart pounding action sequences it muses on the nature of existence in a way that makes The Matrix look like a primary school philosophy lesson. Whipping through at a taught 85 minutes it never pauses for breath and seems as cutting edge today as it did on release.

Music: The Black Hole by Misty's Big Adventure

2006-04-25T23:24:00.000+01:00

Misty's Big Adventure are a curious Birmingham band based around one Grandmaster Gareth. At full power they number nine and make an avalanche of noise that recalls Madness and Talking Heads collaborating at an anarchic, but wildly enjoyable party.

Most songs have a strong ska base but the offbeat lyrics and repeated musical phrases recall the best of 80s art rock. She Fills The Spaces has a shimmering and ambiguous depth while Never Stops Never Sleeps Never Rests is a full blown nonsense stop. Whether you feel like moving you body or not, this music demands it and there is even something for the brain to chew on too.

Book: Words And Music by Paul Morley

2006-04-25T23:19:00.000+01:00

A book like words and music requires no review. Read the first two pages and you will either fling it against the wall in frustrating at it's pretentiousness and arrogance or be drawn in by it's free ranging narrative. Veteran music writer and general social commentator Paul Morley takes time out form appearing on "The top 100 compilation shows" to trace the link between Alvin Lucier's avant garde piece 'I Am Sitting In A Room' and the pure pop of Kylie Minogue's 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head'.

Along the way Morley references more obscure artists than any casual reader is likely to have heard of and launches into tangents that stray far up his own behind. But beyond the writing for writing's sake there are some interesting insights into the DNA of modern music that reward the committed reader.

DVD: Azumi

2006-04-25T23:14:00.000+01:00

Azumi is a medieval action film. 10 assassins have been trained since their youth to take out the greatest threats to peace in their country. Before they set out on their missions their master sets them one final test. They must each slay their closest friend, leaving only 5 assassins to serve the mission.

Despite it's comic book origins and it's cute female lead, Azumi is a dark and intelligent action movie that muses on morality and loneliness. As the most powerful of the assassins young Azumi draws the eye during the fight sequences but the scenes where she tries to understand a world she has been kept from as she grew up learning combat techniques are equally powerful.

Book: The Art Of Falling Apart by Mark Dawson

2005-09-13T19:17:00.000+01:00

Dystopia are an industrial rock band on the verge of breaking America. However despite a rapturously received Las Vegas showcase gig they are falling apart. The singer wants to go solo despite his inability to write songs, the guitarist is depressed and the manager is looking to sell them all out.

Ex Hacienda DJ Mark Dawson's debut novel is at it's best detailing the excesses of the rock and roll lifestyle. Whilst the middle flags a little due to multiple narrators and a little too much back story The Art Of Falling Apart is a creditable rock and roll page turner.

Music: The Best Party Ever by The Boy Least Likely To

2005-09-01T22:39:00.000+01:00

Many have often wondered whether instruments like the recorder or the xylophone are ever actually played outside of school music rooms. The Best Party Ever confirms that this does happen and that they can be used to great effect.

The Boy Least Likely To are a twee proposition both in name and style with their album cover showing childlike drawings of animals playing instruments. They sound like Belle And Sebastian abandoning The Velvet Underground in favour of The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band. On songs like Be Gentle With Me, Hugging My Grudge and I'm Glad I Hitched My Apple Wagon To Your Star they combine bouncy castle melodies with naive but endearing lyrics that never stray into ironic territory. Elsewhere they waddle into some wonky blues and gentle folk. The album will either charm the socks off you or drive you nuts. I stand in the barefoot category.

Pick Of The Month: August

2005-08-31T23:12:00.000+01:00

Though Stubbs And The Horse contains some moments of breathtaking genius it is sustained musical quality that wins out this month with the Shortwave Set's album The Debt Collection pipping The Postal Service. The Debt Collection is a joyous concoction of lilting folk and cut and paste production that retains it's freshness after many sessions.

DVD: Ripley's Game

2005-08-31T23:09:00.000+01:00

A truly uninspired case of cliches by the numbers. John Malkovich is a civilised psychopath, Ray Winstone is the cockney wideboy and Dougray Scott is the refined Brit who can't keep up. There are sparce pleasures to be had from this sedate thriller but given the cast and source material you'd expect much more than to be roused from apathy occasionally by parts of Morricone's score. A truly tired sequel that should have been called The Talentless Mr Ripley Film.

DVD: The Ladykillers

2005-08-31T23:05:00.000+01:00

Are the Coen brothers becoming more mainstream or is the mainstream becoming more Coen brothers. Whichever is the case The Ladykillers, like the underrated Intolerable Cruelty before it, shows the Coen brothers producing a oddball laugh out loud film that should appeal to all without overly diluting their trademark quirkiness.

Tom Hanks shows that comedy is still his forte with an inspired turn as the verbose professor masterminding a heist from an old ladies basement. His cronies may snatch many of the laughs but Irma P Hall steals the film as the old lady who won't take any back chat. This isn't in the same class as films like The Big Lebowski and O Brother but is a still a fine lightweight comedy.

DVD: Bonnie And Clyde

2005-08-29T22:11:00.000+01:00

Glamorous criminals also demand our sympathy in the movies. Whether it's for random acts of kindness, like letting a kindly looking sole keep their spare change while you clean out a bank, or that you are stuck with people you dislike and can't get away from because you are all on the run for the law. Mainly it's because after committing a list of crimes long enough to make War And Peace feel inadequate you start to wish you had a quiet life.

Bonnie And Clyde is a seminal film in the crime genre. It's still looks glorious and packs a number of thrills along the way. However the characters don't lend themselves to empathy so when the final shots are fired there is a sense of closure, and nothing more.

DVD: The Hours

2005-08-29T22:07:00.000+01:00

The Hours is a film about three depressed women. That sentence alone is probably enough to put off a significant amount of viewers. To be more precise it is about three women whose life is shaped by the novel Mrs Dalloway. Virginia Woolf, as she writes it, a fifties housewife as she reads it and a present day editor in New York as she is defined by it. The clever script jumps between the timeframes very effectively and the performances from the award seeking three leads to the starry supporting cast are all strong without showboating. The problem is that the film encourages the viewer to appreciate the intelligence of the idea and the quality of the execution rather than leaving you to engage in the emotions. In this case less may have been more and a film following on of the characters may have been stronger.

Art: A Picture Of Britain at Tate Britain

2005-08-25T20:11:00.000+01:00

A Picture Of Britain is a companion to David Dimblebys chummy BBC One series. It is split into six geographical sections, each taking a particular theme. The South East is Britain at war, the Midlands is the industrial revolution, the South West is spirituality and so on. This conceit makes the exhibition seem narrow in it's view of region whilst seeming too thinly spread trying to cover the whole country. Despite the presence of some fine paintings by masters such as Turner and Constable and some compelling work by more modern artists the exhibition ultimately suffers from this loose collation.

Books: Jennifer Government by Max Barry

2005-08-25T20:06:00.000+01:00

Any book that has a quote by Naomi Klein, the author of No Logo, on the front is unlikely to be wholly positive about corporations. Such is the case with Jennifer Government, an action satire set in the near future where Mattel runs schools, people use their employers name as their surname and where the government has little say in the way the world is run. The book follows Jennifer Government as she tries to nail ego-maniac marketing executive John Nike for the murder of 14 children as a publicity stunt for a new pair of trainers.

The book flings it's characters around global locations and into pitched battles with big explosions and entertaining cynical views of the future. While this cavalcade of ideas and events makes the book an effective page turner the characters acquire little depth along the way, something not helped by their brand named based monikers. If you like cocking a snook at the big bad capitalist world and don't mind some cliches along the way Jennifer Government makes for an entertaining light read.

Film: The Dukes Of Hazzard

2005-08-24T20:01:00.000+01:00

Ladies and gentlemen, behold the ultimate redneck movie. If you like good ol' fashion cussin', cars being driven over big ramps in ways that are sure to destroy them, ricketty old jokes that seem to keep on going somehow, unfeasibly proportion women dressed for hot weather and many, many car chases then The Dukes Of Hazzard is for you.

Unlike the recent movie adaptation of Starsky And Hutch, The Dukes Of Hazzard does not get an ironic makeover. Instead it's leans heavily on the fact that the cast don't get close to needing to act. Willie Nelson is an amiable old rogue with no respect for the war, Johnny Knoxville does crazy stuff, Seann William Scott acts dumb and Jessica Simpson smiles sweetly. Sound familiar? If they hadn't made everything look so shiny and professional the film would resemble cinema verite. As it is you have 90 minutes of mindless entertainment that never strays from it's limited raison d'etre.

Art: Joshua Reynolds at Tate Britain

2005-08-22T20:45:00.000+01:00

The Creation Of Celebrity is the grand claim this exhibition makes of Joshua Reynolds accomplished portrait work. Collected here are military top brass, lords and ladies, famous artists and beautiful prostitutes. Once you add the stories of those concerned and the catty comments helpfully affixed next to the paintings you have a high class version of heat magazine. Thankfully there is no trace of Geri Halliwell or Big Brother contestants.

Whilst the many of the paintings are limited by the need to flatter their subjects there is ample depth to savour in the ruddy rendering of Samuel Johnson and the hearty picture of David Garrick being dragged from Tradegy by a buxom Comedy. He doesn't look too displeased. The exhibition falters in giving to little information on Reynolds technique but as classical pictorial tittle tattle goes it is a success.

Books: Tideland by Mitch Cullin

2005-08-22T20:36:00.000+01:00

The profile of Tideland is likely to swell in the upcoming months with Terry Gilliam's film adaptation being released in the Autumn. In fact the front of the book already boasts the supermarket unfriendly description of "f**king marvelous" from the ex-Python. The story follows a young girl into the fantasy world she creates when taken to a remote house by her comatose rock star father. This gives Cullin scope to let his imagination run wild as the little girl and her Barbie doll heads seek out adventure in the long grass.

Gilliam has clearly relished the flights of fancy the book revels in. Whilst there is a wonderful sense of place conjured up by the book it looses it's way in the blur of reality and fantasy requiring a high degree of concentration from the reader.

Music: The Debt Collection by The Shortwave Set

2005-08-21T19:24:00.000+01:00

Three piece The Shortwave Set give a radically different take to folk music going electric than Bob Dylan gave in the 1960s. Instead of plugging Fender guitars into large amplifiers they root out records from charity shops and sample them in the style of The Avalanches. At their most straight forward on tracks like Repeat To Fade and Yr Room they recall Beth Orton and Mazzy Star in a gentle and inoffensive way. At their most vital on tracks like Slingshot and Is It Any Wonder their glorious staccato clash of often cheesy source material recall the best work of The Beta Band and Beck. The 40 minutes running length of The Debt Collection is a tease that makes you glad you don't have to pay per listen.

Art: Stubbs And The Horse at The National Gallery

2005-08-21T14:52:00.000+01:00

A great talent is one that exceeds it's genre. The National Galleries exhibition of horse paintings by Stubbs is a perfect example of this. Even those with no equestrian interest will find something of value. The first room contains Stubbs' anatomical drawings showing the process that allowed him to capture the form of the horse. The high point is the vast portrait of Whistlejacket in the third room. A stunning life size portrait of an Arabian horse painting against a plain background that grabs the viewers attention and won't let go.

The more tradition portraits capture the horses so beautifully that you want to reach out and stroke them, even if all the backgrounds look the same. The later rooms of the exhibition show Stubbs trying to move away from the horse painting that made his name. There are some interesting compositions, notably in the mythologic works, however none show the same genius as the early work. That said few artists work does.

Film: Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

2005-08-13T10:49:00.000+01:00

Roald Dahl's magnificent children's books have conjured up many images in imaginations both young and old. However it seems unlikely that many people envisaged Willy Wonka as Michael Jackson with a bob and dentists gloves. Then again Tim Burton, the director of the film version of Charlie And The Chocolate factory has always had a slight skewed view of life to say the least.

The centre piece of the film is Johnny Depp's eccentric take on childhood favourite Willy Wonka and unfortunately the rest of the film is a little pedestrian in comparison. The design of the film is vivid and busy but never quite feels stunning. The rest of the film seems slightly truncated with the Umpa Lumpa's songs slicing Dahl's lyrics down to short repeated phrases.

Despite these reservations the film still proves to be one of the most fun pieces of family entertainment seen in a while. It may be totally lacking in substance, but sweet things always have been.

Books: The Vesuvius Club by Mark Gatiss

2005-08-12T23:27:00.000+01:00

Mark Gatiss must be a busy man at the moment. Between the League Of Gentleman film and scripting episodes for Doctor Who he has also turned out a novel. Unfortunately The Vesuvius Club lacks either attention of talent. A whimsical story of a Victorian detective it tries to be arch and outrageous but is dragged down to earth by plodding prose and a lack of laughs. Gatiss has written many a Doctor Who novel but the change of style here seems not to have suited him.

Theatre: Beauty And The Beast

2005-08-12T23:23:00.000+01:00

For the past few years The Belgrade Theatre has been staging plays in the bombed out ruins of Coventry Cathedral. This years production of Beauty And The Beast was advertised with gothic posters, however the play itself was far closer to pantomime. Devised and written by the company the script consisted of little more than ad-libs finding humour in the energetic stage design with intermittent blurts of exposition. This left the play as uneven as Fox news coverage and serious in need of a dedicated script-writer. Next year something weightier than a feather from a sparrow on the Atkins diet is in order.

Music: Funeral by The Arcade Fire

2005-08-12T23:18:00.000+01:00

The Arcade Fire are one of this year's critical darlings. Their sound tips nods to Talking Heads, Echo And The Bunnymen, New Order and The Pixies. Unfortunately Funeral is not so much reminiscent of these bands as a reminder that you haven't listened to their records in far too long. The esoteric bunch certainly have a lot of ideas but they are still a way from creating a truly compelling record. Hopefully their time will come.

Music: Give Up by The Postal Service

2005-08-11T22:08:00.000+01:00

Give Up is a beautiful concoction of mournfully purring synths and rattling electronica drums. Above this gentle industrial burr plaintive and mildly absurd songs about kissing like Clark Gable are sighed. The most touching songs are the duets in which the male and female voices balance each other perfectly. There isn't a weak track on this album which is worth an hour of anyone's time.

Film: Bridget Jones: Edge Of Reason

2005-01-18T09:34:00.000Z

"It's not exactly Shakespeare is it?". It's likely that this phrase was repeated numerous times during the production of the apathetic re-tread that is the sequel to Bridget Jones Diary. Whilst the growth of Helen Fielding's neurotic heroine from newspaper column to Oscar nominated character is a heartening success story, the source material is clearly not considered sacrosanct by old rope peddling filmmakers.

Bridget Jones (Renee Zellweger) starts the film blissfully in love with totally perfect lawyer boyfriend Colin Darcy (Colin Firth). However to establish some type of story through some poorly executed and cliched set-pieces Bridget ends up alone and about to fall for caddish old flame Daniel (Hugh Grant). Will she end up with a man? Will she end up with the right man? Will anyone actually care by then?

Bridget Jones: Edge Of Reason is a poor film that brings to mind other financially motivated sequels such as Men In Black 2. The cast amble effectively through their roles with a grudging acceptance that all actors end up involved in films like this. Renee Zellweger manages to look unattractive, Colin Firth is dull as ditchwater and Hugh Grant layers on the charm smarm to provide the few memorable moments of comedy. The script requires less stretch from the cast than Pavorotti's wet-suit being worn by Kate Moss and the script adds to the view that the use of the word comedy in titling the romantic comedy genre is some kind of ironic joke.

There seems to have been so little effort put into the production of this film that you expect the credits to appear as a hand-written scrawl. There is simply no point in this film existing. However many times you have seen the original film you will still find it fresher, funnier and more engaging than this twaddle.

Film: The Incredibles

2005-01-13T12:23:00.000Z

The most enduring adage in Hollywood is that "no-one knows anything". No-one knows why Titanic was a huge success and Pearl Harbour was a huge failure. Both seemed as patently ridiculous on paper. No major director or producer has made more than a handful of films without a commercial dud. If a magic movie-making formula existed someone would have bottled it and made millions. However the track record of Pixar studios, which made Toy Story, Monsters Inc and Finding Nemo, is testing this assumption to breaking point.

Their latest film, The Incredibles, is set on an Earth where superheroes exist, but have to live normal lives due to a cascade of lawsuits that sprung up following a bungled attempt to foil a bank robbery. Mr Incredible, now an insurance claims clerk, becomes more and more frustrated with his normal life. However a mysterious invitation to use his superpowers changes life for him and his family.

This is the first Pixar film to focus on human characters. Sensibly instead of adopting a slavish attempt at photo realism, the animators create slick caricatures that complement the roles. Even more encouragingly the film does not have to descend into tired movie pastiches , like A Sharks Tale, to pad the story out.

It is hard to find fault with any element of this endlessly entertaining film. The jokes are consistently funny, the characters are all interesting and the mock 50's superhero designs are a joy to behold. If Pixar keep making films like this they are going to have set up an educational division, since the rest of Hollywood clearly has a lot to learn.

Film: King Arthur

2005-01-13T08:14:00.000Z

The publicity for King Arthur proudly states that it is a true story. it also states that the film is produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. This is not a promising combination. Bruckheimer's last attempt at portraying history was the turgid and factually erroneous mess called Pearl Harbour, a turkey so overpriced it makes Christmas shopping at Harrods seem like the bargain bin of a poundshop. Previous to that when researching Flashdance he found the entire basis of the "true story" behind the film was fictitious but stuck with the concept anyway. Therefore any Bruckheimer film sold on the basis of historical accuracy rather than entertainment value is worrying.

The "true story" of King Arthur is apparently that he was a Roman knight who stood firm when Rome withdrew from Britain to prevent the evil Saxons levelling Britain. In his stand he is aided by a woad Warrioress named Guiniverre who fights in a leather bikini and a bunch of Eastern Europeans who were pressed into service with the Roman's against their will. One worries that future generations may believe the Dirty Dozen and some from American Vogue founded modern Britain by defeating one of the main races it descends from.

Much credit must be given to Training Day director Antoine Fuqua for rising above the bunkum of the story and delivering an enjoyable two hours of blockbuster movie. The dialogue is pared down to the kind of short bold statements that John Wayne built his acting career on and Ronald Reagan his presidency. However this keeps the pace up and distracts us from the ludicrous plot. The battle sequences retain a visceral thrill despite being edited down to be family friendly.

King Arthur never feels extraordinary, however it is a professionally produced piece of nonsense which features an able and engaging cast.

Film: The Stepford Wives

2005-01-12T12:55:00.000Z

Frank Oz's re-make of The Stepford Wives offers the potential for the ultimate DVD experience. With all the re-shoots, re-writes and re-edits that occured in the making of the film you could include all the original footage and allow the viewer to create their own versions of the film. You could create a barbed relationship comedy, a kooky sci-fi film or a menacing horror film. In fact the hardest thing to do would be to create anything that was less coherent and engaging than the theatrical version, which should be called the random play edit.

Rarely has such a strong cast and a simple concept been so fudged and compromised. The mission statement must have been re-make The Stepford Wives and make it funny. In the current re-make happy cinema climate this is like shooting fish in a barrel with a daisy cutter bomb. However along the way someone decided to add scenes with attempts at emotional depth. You can easily spot them, they are the ones where you start looking around the cinema for people in the audience doing something vaguely more interesting than what is occurring on screen. Then someone managed to sneak in some of the darkness of the original story before a producer caught sight of what was happening and demanded the ultra-happy super fun ending and nothing that might upset people. This works fine, if you have the memory of a goldfish or don't mind a film abandoning it's entire plot to date with 20 minutes to go in order to have everyone smiling by the credits.

Yet in the fragmented mess of this film there are reminders that this is the writer and director who made the screamingly funny In And Out. The comic interplay between Nicole Kidman high powered TV exec, Bette Midler's neurotic writer and Roger Bart's left-over In And Out stereotype gay-guy. However they hardly share any scenes together. Early attempts to play up the absurdity of a town full of smiling bimbos never bloom either.

You may notice that I haven't referred to the plot yet. This is a deliberate reflection on a film which assumes you know what happens in the original and doesn't bother to explain anything. You leave the cinema struggling to remember what filled the running time. It's like watching 90 minutes of deleted scenes on a DVD, which for all we know it might be considering the amount of cock-ups that occurred during production. The end product bears about as much relation to a satisfying entity as the poster does to the film. The Stepford Wives don't have a secret, they don't even have a clue, and neither does anyone who involved in this film.

Film review: Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind - 10/10

2005-01-12T01:57:00.000Z

Charlie Kaufman is a man the media like to label a genius. He appears eccentric and enigmatic, emerged fully formed onto the world's consciousness in an instant through a infinitely discussable idea with his script for Being John Malckovich and continues to excite and confound. With Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind he has produced his best work yet.

Jim Carrey plays Joel, a man who discovers that ex-girlfriend Clementine (Kate Winslet) has had him erased from her mind so she can move on. To spite her he decides to erase her from his mind and tracks down the company that provides this service. However part way through the operation he decides his memories are too precious to lose and tries to fight the procedure.

Large parts of the film take place within Joel's mind, which allows for all sorts of fantastical things to occur as his memories are erased. Combining this visual trickery with a non-linear storyline risked rendering the film an indulgent mess, however the fantasy elements of the film add emotional richness rather than being an intellectual exercise. They also help to heighten the tension as more of Joel's mind is being censored.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind is one of the greatest celebrations of love committed to film. It celebrates the way love can lead to ecstasy and to pain and recrimination. Through Joel experiencing the piece by piece loss of the best time of his life the film allows viewers to consider their understanding of love and relationships in ways they hadn't considered before. When Joel realises that soon he may never have known that Clementine existed the way he tries to make the most of his memories while he can is more tragic than any dying heroine could be.

Complementing the script is a career best performance from Jim Carrey. Covered in stubble and a woolly hat he makes an engaging introvert struggling to connect with other people. Kate Winslet is equally good as the extrovert Clementine whose changing hair colour is the easiest way to keep up with the chronology of the film

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind is a peerless example of film making. It will either become a cult classic or, hopefully, one of the most celebrated films of all time, regularly appearing in the upper echelons of critical lists. See it now and treasure the memory forever.

Films of the year 2004

2004-12-20T19:05:00.000Z

Top 10 films of the year:
1) Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
2) Shaun Of The Dead
3) Lost in Translation
4) Hero
5) The Incredibles
6) The Village
7) Collateral
8) A Mighty Wind
9) Kill Bill vol. 2
10) Farenheit 9/11

Most enjoyable formula film of the year:
Wimbledon

Big stupid blockbuster of the year:
Van Helsing

Worst re-make:
The Stepford Wives (though Alfie maybe worse)

Biggest waste of an cinema ticket:
Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow

Worst film by a good director:
Jersey Girl

Worth a DVD rental:
Big Fish
School Of Rock
Bad Education
House Of Flying Daggers

Guilty Pleasures (just because I liked them doesn't mean anyone else will):
The Day After Tomorrow
Around The World In 80 Days
King Arthur

Films as yet unreleased which could make the top 10:
Garden State
Napoleon Dynamite
The Aviator

4 line films: 13 going on 30

2004-09-03T13:25:00.000+01:00

Here is the tale of Jenny, who aged 17 years in one night
The appearance of breasts and change in height, gave her an awful fright
The fear and confusion she suffers at first, subside as she starts to twig
That it all works out fine if you act just like, Tom Hanks did in Big

4 line films: The Stepford Wives

2004-08-09T09:12:00.000+01:00

The wives of Stepford have a secret, so proclaims the poster
Their men have turned them into robots, using pieces of a toaster
Now they are a model of mindless, vacuous, smiling charm
But if you leave them unattended they set off the smoke alarm

Full review:
http://homepage.mac.com/david.goody/Movies/Reviews/TheStepfordWives.html

4 line films: Catwoman

2004-08-09T09:07:00.000+01:00

Halle dons a costume that leaves little to the mind
The critics who have seen the film have all been so unkind
They say it should be buried in a mound of kitty litter
But Halle wants a sequel so she's clearly no quitter

4 line films: I, robot

2004-08-09T09:06:00.001+01:00

Beware the evil robots, even while they walk your dog
Beware the evil robots, even though they do your slog
But if you're name is Asimov, beware this film even more
For what they've done to your book, should be against the law

4 line films: King Arthur

2004-08-09T08:58:00.000+01:00

When the makers said this is the true story of King Arthur
They must have been greeted with massive howls of laughter
Since the facts they've based the story on were ever so teeny
That they believe that Guinivere wore a leather fighting bikini

It may not be lady killing, but it's still criminal

2004-05-20T15:31:00.000+01:00

In between messages of support for "the boys" (isn't anyone in the army over 18?) Tom Hanks made a surprising admission during his promotional tour of Cannes. Despite starring in the Coen brothers re-make of The Ladykillers and having great admiration for Alec Guiness he says he has never seen the Ealing original. Whilst his desire to avoid doing a poor imitation of the late Alec is commendable, take note Ewan Macgregor, there is a flaw. Since shooting on the film wrapped a while ago why has he not rented out a copy of the DVD since. Is the re-make so bad he's decided that the original can't be much cop, is his life just too busy or does he want to avoid seeing how terribly hammy his performance is in comparison. Answers on a sun-drenched postcard please.

Someone slay Brad

2004-05-14T19:28:00.000+01:00

Whilst Brad Pitt is being a good bunny in Cannes pimping his pretty boy
good looks on behalf of the "boy didn't Gladiator make a lot of money"
fest that is Troy, something is amiss. However many cute quotes about
Jenny liking his skirt from the film and how "Achilies is the kind of
role I became an actor for" he makes there is a sense of unease. With
Pitt's Beckham Pepsi ad makeover in this film and him being forced at
gun point into a decent haircut and quality suit for Oceans Twelve I
think there is a backlash coming on, After trying so hard to bury his
good looks in films like Snatch and Fight Club I'd get £10 on Brad
getting interested in a re-make of the Elephant Man sometime soon.

Historical posts from the website

2004-05-14T19:14:00.000+01:00

Thursday 30th August
If you need to cast a foreign bad guy, why not cast a face from British
television, they are far easier to work with anyway. However the casting
team of The Sum Of All Fears clearly weren't thinking about the British
audience when they cast Richard Marner, better known as Colonel von
Strohm from Allo Allo, as the ailing Russian president. Now if only
they'd called one of his assistants Rene it would been a far more
amusing film.

Friday 25th August
Is Heather Graham a tortured and misunderstood soul, trapped, like
Marilyn Monroe before her, in the dumb blonde roles which undermine her
yearning to be taken seriously as an actress and rise above that
god-inflicted photogenic body? Not if the gleeful abandon she shows at
solely taking roles that involve her shedding clothes and then turning
at their premieres virtually shouting "I'm on the pull me" is anything
to go by. Then again such antics have gained her more column inches for
her supporting role in The Guru than the rest of the cast, crew or film
put together, so who is the fool?

Wednesday 22nd August
The trailer for Signs already has me convinced that I am not alone.
Alone in the belief that the publicity for a film needn't give away it's
entire plot to grab the viewers attention that is, not in the belief
that there is alien life out there. So far the films impressive
performance in the US seems to add credence to the less is more theory
of advertising, however I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for this
to become a trend.

Tuesday 9th July
I have seen many spectacular things go wrong during a movie screening.
My favourites have included the picture appearing to the right of the
screen, the projector falling over backwards and projecting the film
onto the ceiling and a reel of Nikita appearing in the middle of Speed 2
(a blessed relief it must be said). However none of these can compare to
the screening of Amelie at the Glastonbury Festival where half way
through the credits there was a very loud bang, all the power went out
and the screen collapsed. Now that's the magic of cinema.

Monday 17th June
Some people never learn, after being made a monkey of in Tim Burton's
woeful Planet Of The Apes re-imagining (I always imagined it was a
decent film before) Mark Wahlberg is now lined up as the lead for the
Italian Job re-make. One wonders why anyone thinks that relocating the
film to LA will make any sort of improvement to a caper movie that had
perfect casting and execution and yet still bombed in the US. Maybe
Wahlberg's Calvin Klein advertising days have left him feeling most
comfortable on screen when seen in pants.

Saturday 15th June
Quality trailers seem to be thick on the ground at the moment even if
new releases have been somewhat scarce. Men In Black 2 whets the
appetite for another round of Smith and Jones humour (that's Will and
Tommy Lee, not Mel and Griff Rhys) but the real eye-opener is the new
Mel Gibson film. Signs promises to expose the secret of crop circles,
and since it's director is none other than Sixth Sense man M Night
Shalaman, we can expect yet another overly hyped ending that seems like
a bit of a disappointment, but fortunately a cracking film should
preface it.

Sunday 9th June
The publicity machine for Spiderman threatens to make World Cup football
the second most ubiquitous thing on TV this weekend with it's all
consuming presence. Curiously most of the press interest centres on the
upside down kiss and quotes from all involved about how unsexy it was to
film. Hopefully this shattering the myth tactic will spread to other
major Hollywood films and we can see Schwarznegger and Stallone talking
about how many times it takes them to say words of more than two
syllables.

Friday 7th June
Nice to see the marketing guys behind Unfaithful know where the money
is. From the look of the trailer the film isn't actually a thriller but
just 90 minutes of Diane Lane being half naked while Richard Gere tries
to convince the viewer there'll be some violence at the end. Since the
director is Adrian "it was only an oversight that Jacobs Ladder didn't
look like a porn movie" Lyne this may be a fair reflection of the film.